I remember my whole life. I wanted to get married and build a family. 

As a single mom of 3, and a bread owner, life was quite tough on my mum. She became harsh and had no or little relationship with Jesus. Our relationship as mother and daughter were quite a distant one. I could not open my heart and tell her how I was feeling because we were not that close.

I grew up in a church since I was 6 with a good understanding of the bible because of the devotion of my grandmother who took us to Sunday school every Sunday.

Throughout childhood and high school, I was a happy, well behaved at school child, respectful and very involved in my local church.

Shattered Dreams

The first signs that my spiritual integrity and emotional health was failing was the feeling of emptiness, despair and hopelessness and loneliness which occurred when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I was in so much despair and hopelessness that I did not want to live anymore. I wanted to end my life. I always wanted to be around people, would fear being alone, always wanting to be around people. Never creating space for Him, and never going to Him.  I was always feeling lonely and empty even with people around me. I would lie, live a very deceptive life, those who saw me in the church would think that I was a good girl and mature spiritually, but inside I was a stinky , authentic pharisee, hypocrite. there were no differences between me and those in the world.

And because people or  things  were not able to truly satisfy my needs of being truly loved and cherished I became contentious, jealous, judgmental, unkind and disrespectful. I did not know what true  love was. I was desperate for true love, companionship, something to feel the void that I was having inside of me that only Jesus could fill. I needed a saviour.

Besides I had my own plans for my life. What was He calling me to do? I would hear, he is sending me to be a prophet to the nation. I  did not understand what this meant so I  continued my life like normal.

There were many things that I liked, my profession as Nutritionist, dancing, ministering, business even being a pastor.

During Marriage

During marriage I would always praise my husband, I would praise and exalt him, more than the Lord Himself, when the never married girls would speak with me about their  problems .I would  boast about such an awesome husband who helped me in all my problems without giving a thought to the Lord. I exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

I also would preach more about the importance of being married to my unbelieving friends than to have a personal relationship with Jesus.

“You have removed my acquaintances far from me, you have made me an object of loathing to them. I am shut up and cannot go out” Psalms 88:8.

My life was my family. I thought that my identity was of a wife and mother and not of a daughter, I did not take proper care of my appearance, I would depend on my husband for everything. If I cooked or cleaned it was to please him.

You see I was lost and wrong concerning dating, relationships, marriage and so on. I also did not know my worth and value or identity as a daughter of God. I was completely blind to the truth. I needed the truth to set me free, to heal me from inside out and to teach me how to live. 

The Lord said to me I know that this was not your dream, but you always believed in me, I said that’s true. I had zeal for God, but that zeal was not based in knowledge of Him, and the revelation of his word I did know his purpose to my life.

I was Lost

It was only now during a difficult time in my life that I came to know Him intimately that he began to open my eyes so that I could see the glory of the One, and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. I myself I did not know Him, but He is the one who sent me to do this that you now see and hear, so that He might be revealed to you so that you can also see the glory of the one and only , who came from the Father full of grace and truth, so that we might be mutually encouraged in our devotion and love to Him. His desire is that our love from him might not grow cold, and that we do not attain a sinful and unbelieving heart that turns away from Him.

Today

Today if you hear his voice do not harden your hearts, But believe that He is what he says that He is and that He can do what he says that He can do.

See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create. Isaiah 65:17.

 He said he is going to create something completely different and he said : I’m going to give you a completely new identity. 

So when in crisis I got so lost, desperate and afraid because I have not built my house upon the rock which is Jesus and his word, I thought that I was and my house falled and great was its fall.

It was only a little bit before the trial that I began to rebuild my house upon the Rock. And it was during this trial that God began to open my eyes so that I could see.

I was not qualified or worthy. 

Once I had a vision of this vision I had a list of all my flaws and I was telling Him that I was  disqualified to do the job, he threw the list away

into the fire and gave a note of 50 pounds as gift for me to buy something that I liked instead. Isn’t he amazing?

After realising how bad I was I suffered a lot with guilt and condemnation and thought that I was not fit to do this job.

The purpose of my transformation wasn’t to be anyone’s favourite , but  to be His forever bride—a bride of a Prince—the Prince of Peace! That mean that I am a princess? Yes!

Sorry it is not magic who turns you into a princess like in Cinderela but it is the Holy Spirit.

And it is not the prince charming that I am promised to, I am promised to someone who is unable to lie, the prince of Peace!